Tag: santa

APRIL’S FOOLS FOR CHRISTMAS

This story may not do much for East West relations.

Russia Shoots Down Santa’s Sleigh Near North Pole

Dec 24, 2014

santa_russia_sleigh_downed_missileRussia shot down Santa Claus’s sleigh today in international airspace over the Arctic Ocean.

According to local reports, the sleigh was beginning its annual Christmas Eve journey around the world when it was struck by a surface-to-air missile fired from the Russian island of Novaya Zemlya – just a few hundred miles from the North Pole. Santa and nearly all of his reindeer were killed instantly.

Norwegian fisherman soon located the debris field in the frigid waters of the Arctic Ocean. Images of the debris aired on CNN and other international news networks show broken limbs, teddy bears, and gift wrapping strewn throughout the sea.

Although Russia has officially denied involvement in the incident, American intelligence forces say they have proof the missile was fired from a Russian military installation on the island. Several ultra-nationalist politicians in Moscow have praised the downing, which targeted an popular Western celebrity.

“Santa Claus is a symbol of Western decadence and consumerism,” said Alexi Onnatopp, leader of the far-right Golden Bear party,”Whoever killed this fat, corrupt man is a patriot and a hero.”

Today’s events bear striking similarities to the downing of Malaysian Flight 17, which was shot down by pro-Russian rebels in Eastern Ukraine this summer using a similar surface-to-air missile. All 285 passengers and 15 crew were killed aboard that flight travelling from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur.

Remarkably one reindeer survived today’s blast and is currently being treated for his injuries at a hospital in Norway. Authorities have yet to officially release its name, but sources close to the investigation confirm that it is Rudolph — the crimson-snouted misfit immortalized in an eponymous 1939 song.

“We were able to rescue him first because of his red nose,” says Lars Sommerhielm, an admiral in the Royal Norwegian Navy, “It stood out amongst the ocean waves. The others we couldn’t get to in time.”

In a speech from the oval office President Obama vowed an appropriate response to the tragedy, which may include tightening sanctions on an already crumbling Russian economy.

“Today Russia has gone too far,”he told reporters,“Vladimir Putin has threatened the hopes and dreams of children around the world. He will be brought to justice.”

A funeral for Mr. Claus has been set for December 28th at the North Pole. President Obama, British Prime Minister David Cameron, French President Francois Hollande and other international dignitaries are scheduled to attend.

BEST WISHES FOR THE NEW YEAR

SANTA IN A HURRY

A closing note about the America’s Cup event in Newport, Rhode Island in June 2012.

PROVIDENCE – A committee to take charge of the many arrangements needed for the America’s Cup World Series regatta slated for Newport next year was formally established Thursday when Gov. Lincoln D. Chafee signed an executive order creating the panel, to be chaired by Brad Read, executive director of Sail Newport.

 

“The America’s Cup World Series races have great potential to bring job creation and revenue to Rhode Island,” Chafee said. “Newport has long, strong ties to the America’s Cup and these races renew that historic connection. The host committee established today, led by renowned sailor Brad Read, will help to coordinate important preparation efforts to ensure that this exciting event is thoroughly successful.”

 

Joining the governor at the Statehouse signing ceremony were Read, Russell Coutts, CEO of Oracle Racing, current America’s Cup champion that will defend the title in finals set for San Francisco in 2013, and Richard Worth, chairman and CEO of the America’s Cup Event Authority.

 

The America’s Cup World Series Host Committee will serve as the state’s principal entity for coordinating the races and affiliated events. The local committee will coordinate marketing, business outreach, public support, event logistics, traffic, public safety and public infrastructure preparations.

 

The panel will consist of at least 23 members, yet to be named, including representatives of: Aquidneck Island towns; the Newport County Chamber of Commerce; the convention and visitors bureaus based in Providence and in Newport; various state departments; the commercial shipping industry; and the marine industry.

 

The races, featuring high-tech AC45 wing-sailed catamarans, are scheduled for June 23-July 1 in Newport Harbor and will comprise the final event of the first World Series circuit, established to ocean racing during America’s Cup off years.

The local committee will coordinate marketing, business outreach, public support, event logistics, traffic, public safety and public infrastructure preparations. State officials have estimated the event will generate $72 million in new spending and create 400 jobs.